In search of peace and joy

So Christmas will be here soon and this year everything is different. Not only is mom gone, but Bill is too. My family suddenly feels small and scattered. Brad has Lyme disease too, maybe from me, and is just starting treatment. He has been tired and hurting for a while, so at least we know it's not just old age or stress.. We are finalizing the purchase of our home and finishing up Pierce's bedroom.  I should be starting to feel some peace and joy but all I feel is loss and negativity.  I don't believe in people anymore, we have seen nothing but the worst side of almost everyone this year. It feels like if we aren't paying them no one cares at all and some don't even care when we are paying them.  Everyone just wants more money.  It is so easy to see how money is the god of this world.

Friends are few and far between, if it weren't for online friends I would only have one person I could call friend at all really. Part of it is me and my introversion, part of it is people are just too busy to have time for those who aren't drinking pals or have nothing to offer. The one thing I know is that I feel the loss of people deeply.  Even if I don't show it, I need friends and confidantes and people who just understand that there are time when life isn't roses and sunshine.

Still it's time to make the effort to bring some positive, good energy into our home,  I wish I knew where to start. Most of my physical pain is better or gone completely. Moving around is much easier ad there are days I actually feel energetic and good. Unfortunately I still get tired easily and have no tolerance for physical, emotional or mentalstress at all, it crashes me right into depression and exhaustion.  Some of that is probably still affecting my moods and outlook but I need to start somewhere.

So what do you do in a world like ours where peace and joy seem so far away?  I know I am trying hard to appreciate the little moments and to remember the past joys and relive those.  I am spending time with puppies, which is a blessing and a curse they are a lot of work, but nothing beats a happy puppy to raise your spirits.  I am trying to stay positive in the middle of Brad's exhaustion and pain, and help him when I can.  I am so proud of my kids, they are both adapting to their new school like fish to a pond.  They are shining in their work and excited about school. Getting them into WTMC was great for all of us. 

I got an invitation to go to a dog show in Canada after Christmas,  if I can swing it I want to do that. Both to get out of the house and to get the experience and see if I enjoy the dog show circuit, we will be doing it a lot the next couple of years with Willow and Lancelot.

I am reading again and digging up my old meditation tapes, spending more time praying and talking to God. So for now it's baby steps and maybe some of this emptiness, hopelessness and negativity will be replaced by peace hope and joy. It would be good if that happened in time for Christmas.