Season of Searching

Resting has been doing me some good physically I think, last month my inflammation numbers were back up, I was really tired and I was dizzy when I laid down. I will get my blood checked again later this month, but the dizziness is gone and I have more energy (as long as I do not push it), and now I am even starting to wake up early again all on my own. So physically, I am back to slowly improving. Next is tackling getting back to eating better, cooking has been a chore that I avoid as much as possible so my diet has not even been close to good.

In family news, Willow got the mono, and they told us at the ER that she was only contagious when she has a fever, but I know she had to have gotten it from me, and I have not had a fever in over a year from it. So much for that little *theory*. The blessing in that is she is already feeling better after just a week or two, and I know she will never have to go through getting the virus at an older age because after this she will be immune. So for now I am just making her rest and praying that she will bounce back quickly. I also suspect that Pierce had it too, but he was not really sick with it much at all - just a fever for a couple of days and tired and cranky for a couple of weeks and he has been better recently too. He didn't get tested so I do not know for sure.

People ask me how I am doing and the truth is I don't really know. My life has become something I sometimes don't recognize. God seems pretty far away, and the funny thing is, it is not Him that I doubt. I still know throughout my whole being what Jesus did for me and what he wants for me, but I begin to doubt that I have ever heard his voice. I am just mostly feeling lost and praying that he will bring good out of this whole thing in my life and in others lives. I am still having a hard time enjoying anything at all, mostly because I am just not able to do anything and I am alone a lot. I just pray that continued rest and isolation will bring my health back so I can remember what it was like to be me again. I am just so weak and broken right now, and it is so hard to see any light at the end of this tunnel.

Kelley has been posting songs on her Blog and I want to be a copycat because this song is how I have been feeling for a long while.


Who Am I?
Casting Crowns


Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.

Bridge:
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,(ocean)
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am. (I am)
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Bridge&Chorus 2x

I am yours.

Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
'Cause I am yours.
I am yours.

***********************
Mostly I do not feel like I deserve his love, and sometimes I feel like I am being punished with whatever lesson he is teaching me. I feel weak and pessimistic about life, yet I know that his love and grace are sitting right there, still freely given and still for me. Even when I do not trust myself anymore, even when I daily wonder when this life will get good, I know that he is there. That alone is my comfort right now.