Vacation has started

So yeserday Brad took off with the kids for 4 days at Kalahari.  I have been wiped out lately so I stayed home to try and rest and recoup some for the upcoming month when he will be gone. The days alone are precious and agonizing at the same time.   My biggest frustration is knowing I will not even come close to getting the things I want to do done.  My worst fear that I will have to much time alone to think.  So I am trying to prioritize and get at least a few things done while resting up and just enjoying the lack of responsibility for a few days, and doing my best to keep my mind happy and occupied as well.

I find myself really missing people.  When my kids are home constantly I do not really notice my complete lack of social life.  When they are gone the house is peaceful, the phone is silent and I am faced with the knowledge that I have very few people I talk to in any capacity (really only 3 people I talk to besides my husband), and none really that live close to me or are able to do things with me.  For a long time I thought there was just something wrong with me that made people not want to be friends with me.  Now I tend to think it is more the busyness of life.  I stay home all the time, but my energy gets sucked down so quickly that I rarely have time for doing anything to maintain friendships.  How much worse is it for people who get to fill their lives with going here and there, doing 5 different things a week (like I used to do).  Friendship takes a distant third to family and activities. Often I feel so bad I do not want to talk to anyone or be seen anyway,  I look horrible, feel worse so I  isolate myself (yes yes I know it is a stupid rationalization) and avoid people so that I do not get stressed or end up sounding like a sick whiny baby to those I talk to.

Deep down I miss my friends desperately, though I have accepted that this is where my life is now and I am relatively content.  I do know that God has me here for a reason, even though I may never know the reason.   I live vicariously through Facebook, reading everyone's status, looking through all the pictures I can find and pretending I am still involved in their lives somehow.  I even pretend that they do the same back - though in reality I know most people are too busy to do that and they tend to hover on their close friends statuses and such.  I write this blog for some of the same reasons, writing is therapeutic for me, much like talking only I can wander as much as I want and no one can immediately complain :D.  I also do it in case anyone wonders what I am up to or how I am doing.  I try to stay off the health topic as much as possible because lets face it, no one wants to hear how sick someone else is.  I know my life is mostly boring on the outside but I have so many things I think and wonder and dream about, so lets hope somehow some of that makes it into my writing.  I have often thought about doing an anonymous blog so I can really open up and talk about the things I think about, all the things fear of rejection and censure keeps me from saying.  Well that and the fact that I really wonder if it would matter to anyone other than me anyhow.  So I journal that kind of stuff privately. 

I miss being a whole person, able to do things with my family and going to church and participating in things with people.  I miss that people have no idea how much I miss them.  I miss singing and walking and karate, sometimes it feels like my life is already over when I am really only supposed to be halfway through.   I keep praying for a cure or even just a remission so I can be something of the active person I used to be.  I have learned to avoid things that make me ache inside, or things that upset me because I can no longer do them.  Living in the past is not an option, so I am getting quite good at living in the moment and letting things go.  I hate looking in the mirror and seeing myself getting so much older and missing out on so much of life right now.  I wish my kids had a mom that could do all the active stuff with them too, so I pour as much energy as I can into teaching them well and letting them know how much they are loved and I try hard to explain why I can;t be with them for all the things I should be.

Mostly I pray a lot and cry a lot and hope that the doctors will be able to find out what is really wrong with me and get it fixed.  I do know one thing, I will never again take my health for granted or the ability to be able to just DO things without exhaustion.  I look forward to the time when I can have energy for my family and my friends.