Grieving

So much has been said and posted about Ed, but there is still a pressure in me that needs to say something more. I identify so much with Ed and Kelley, their 9th wedding anniversary was just 2 weeks after mine and Brad's. Their kids are so close in age to mine and so adorable. I was way more devastated over his whole illness and loss than I felt I had a right to be. They were acquaintances and fellow worshipers, but the depth of grief I have been feeling does not fit the kind of relationship I had with them. Maybe it is becuase I know so many of their close friends well or just that as a couple and family we had so much in common.

I find myself crying at the stupdiest stuff and thinking about Kelley and the kids and I have never had this feeling of joy and sorrow all at once. On one hand I am so happy (and yes even envious many times) that Ed is with Jesus and I know he is worshiping right there in front of our Lord, no more pain or cancer or sorrow of any kind. And yet on the other hand I am so sad for those left behind. Just seeing all the pictures they had up for the memorial and on the website opened up tyhe well of sadness and tears inside of me.

Still I was comforted after the memorial on Friday - to see all the friends and family Kelley had to support her and I couldn't help but feel a little relieved that she wasn't really alone at all. It made me see that God really is taking care of her and Aidan and Kya. Even as a part of me was crying out 'God how could you take him!' I only know that I will keep praying for God's comfort and touch in their lives as they learn to cope with their incredible loss. I will also be praising and thanking God for His provision for Kelley and the children - what an incredible testimony to see all the help and love and Godly people he has surrounded them with!

I realized too that a part of me is grieving for myself and for my own loneliness and isolation, even though some of it is of my own making. I guess we can't feel grief for someone unless we connect on some deeper level to what they are going through and I was terrified that Kelley and the kids would be alone without Ed. I know I would feel so alone without Brad. Our family is not close or particularly supoortive of each other, and we all have so much going on in our own lives and in so many ways we do not understand or identify with each other. I have been accused of leaving my family for my church, which I suppose in a lot of ways is true. I spend way more time with my church that I do with my family, but this is where I am growing closer to Jesus and learning and becoming more of the person God wants me to be. The pursuit of His peace and love in my life has taken the top spot in my time and energy. Yet still I am alone most of the time with Pierce and Willow. Brad still has to work so much and I (we really) seem to still be having troubling making more close friends - even after 2 years of being at Northridge. I am not sure if it is me or just that 2 years is not enough time, but since I have never really been good at making friends (and keeping them) I have to guess that maybe I just really do not know how. Mostly it just seems that everyone is too busy to really have time for one more friend (including me sometimes!).

So while my grief for Kelley and her kids was (somewhat) lifted through seeing how much love she still has in her life, some a part of me is grieving for that which I have not been able to accomplish in my own life. Like letting a little bit of the pain out for someone else opened up a bigger hole for all of mine to come flooding out at once. I am that much more aware of how short life really is and how much we need to make it matter right now.

It doesn't help that Satan is slamming us hard again, Brad's work, my stupid illness, it is hard to be a good friend when leaving the house feels liek an exhausting ordeal much of the time. And inviting people in is an exercise in embarrasment when my house is not anywhere as clean as I like due to my continued tiredness and resting The enemy uses it all to foster self-doubt and as much isolation as he can. All we can really do is run to Jesus and pray and read God's word for comfort. I just have to let the tears flow and know that our God is good and everything He does is for a reason, that we may or may not ever see.

In so many ways Ed's service was good for me and made me face some more issues that I have buried or been too busy to deal with. When faced with the fragililty of life here on earth it really points us to what is important, God and other people. I know that I have a much strengthened sense of the need to just love everyone that I possibly can, overlook the little things and keep a handle on my priorites in life.

In Jesus own words from Matthew 22:36-40 "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the law?" Jesus replied: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and gratest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself." All the Law and Prophets hang on these two commandments."

My prayer is that the Lord will continue teaching me how to Love Him and others more fully so that my heart may be more like Jesus every day and that I will be continually full of Him and needing nothing else.

In the words of the the scripture (and the song) - because it rings so true right now:

2 Corinthians 4:7-10
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed, perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.

and

2 Corinthians 4:18
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

I know God has blessed Ed and he has a wonderful mansion in heaven.